


Everything is regrettable

by Inktforhearts



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, McHanzo - Freeform, Overwatch - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Soldier 76 - Freeform, Violence, angela ziegler - Freeform, genji - Freeform, hanzo shimada - Freeform, jesse mccree - Freeform, oh god why did i do this to myself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-08 00:13:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12852540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inktforhearts/pseuds/Inktforhearts





	Everything is regrettable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Notes-  
> -this is not ONLY smut, there's an actual story.  
> \- this fic will be around two or three chapters i think, i am not planning to write a whole book.  
> -please do correct my grammar, i am not English so it's helpfull.  
> -please leave comments about what you like and what you don't like, i am trying to become a better writer so some feedback is always welcome.

An arrow flew across the already small hallway en met with the forehead of one of the omnic guards, blue sparks danced over its face as it fell to the ground and let a rather loud clash go through the dead silent halls. "That would've been the last one of them." said a voice with a heavy accent to it through the com. Hanzo let out a sigh, this was an easy mission, one of the easiest he had been assigned to, he relaxed his stands a bit but kept his eyes at the other end of the hall.

"Ey... Shimada, how's your status? Yer good?"

There was a hint of hesitation in the voice now and it had every reason to be there. Hanzo gave no reply, he just simply swept through the halls one more time to check if it was really clear and began to walk to the point where they had decided to regroup. He could hear a small sigh go through the com before he heard it switch off again, he didn't care though, it had been three months since he had 'joined' Overwatch on the request of Genji and he had to admit it had been pretty draining. When he first started he was only assigned to small and easy missions, get in and get out without being seen kind of missions, no team but a lot of eyes on him, they didn't trust him and they had every right to, he thought. For almost two months straight everyone was suspicious of him, keeping their eyes on him and making sure he was kept in line, especially agent McCree or 'the cowboy', he had led most of Hanzo's missions and he had been very clear about how he thought of Hanzo. He had kept a rather emotionless voice and held as much information away from Hanzo, not that he cared, he merely focused on the missions and making sure the Shimada clan hadn't found him yet. The only thing that got on his nerves was that the cowboy had started to demand things of him that were sometimes almost impossible to succeed, he knew McCree wanted him gone, even dead maybe, putting him on harder missions and getting him in life threatening situations. Luckily for Hanzo, there had always been a way to succeed and complete the missions, he even believed to have heard a sign of surprise one time in the cowboys voice as they went over one of the mission reports.

It had only been since a week that the cowboy had started to show some kindness to the archer, Hanzo had one of his bad episodes those weeks ago, one of the worst he had ever experienced. He had shocked awake from a nightmare in cold sweat and stumbled through the hallways of the base to the bathroom. As it was night he was alone and he usually was when he went to roam around to clear his mind at these times. Only this time, he couldn't control his trembling and shivering, panic struck him as everything around him felt unfamiliar, the halls of the base felt like those of a prison. It made him slow and disorientated, so much that he had by accident fallen against the sink after failing to grab onto it in time to keep his balance. With a pretty loud slam he had landed on the ground after hitting the sink with his head, he was convinced he hadn't woken up anyone as most if not all of the Overwatch agents had been on a big mission that night. So it wasn't a surprise Hanzo got startled to see the cowboys head pop around the corner, he was even more surprised to see a slight fear in McCree's eyes as he looked down at him and the covered in blood sink.

Hanzo was laying there, wearing a blood stained t-shirt, shorts, violently shivering, covered in sweat and blood dripping down his hands which covered the small wound on his left eyebrow caused by the sink. He couldn't see much through his hands and the already blurry vision that was caused by the tears that filled his eyes. He was still too caught up in his panic attack at that moment to clearly remember how it got to the point where he could see the silhouette of the cowboy bowing over him and having his hands gently pulled away. He only vaguely remembers the feeling of the cowboys far warmer hands inspecting his wound and softly wiping away blood that had been dripping down his face. Fragments of the cowboys voice came through the static in his head, it sounded different from all the times he had been schooled by him, almost unrecognizable if it wasn't for the accent that gave him away.

" _Damn it Shimada..._ "

He sounded concerned.

" _Keep yer eyes open for me darlin', can ya do that?_ "

Very soft, like he was very far in the distance but Hanzo could still hear his whispers.

" _Come, we're gonna get ya patched up._ "

He had felt very light after that, not only his head but his whole body, like there was no gravity. The feeling of something tight around his chest and his legs not touching the ground, it had felt like he was comfortably levitating around. It was only after he had woken up that he knew it had been McCree carrying him. He remembered going through the halls and remembered seeing some of the posters scattered through the base as he was carried. They had headed back to a room, not his own and that was all he could recall before his memory went blank and there was nothing left but the soft sounds of footsteps and darkness.

Hanzo woke up in the morning to find his alarm that he had set around 6 am had been set off again as he awoke around 8 am. That morning his room had been to his surprise not littered with clothes he always used to carelessly throw off when he had been sweating through the night. Then, just as the memories came flooding back there was someone knocking on his door.

"Heya... I just wanted to check on ya..." The cowboy said as he slid the door of Hanzo's room only partly. The man was standing in the doorway, leaning against one side, Hanzo had only just sat up to feel his head. "I am fine." Was his cold response, he didn't need agent McCree's concern nor a conversation at this moment, especially not about what had happened. "I get that ya don' wanna talk about it but-" Hanzo was quick to cut him off, "Indeed I don't, nor do I want your worries. Please leave my room and shut the door behind you." The cowboy was clearly not done yet but was wise to not to push it, he slowly turned around and just before closing the door gave one last look at Hanzo which was looking back at him, keeping his eyes narrowed.

Hanzo was alone again, not that he minded that. It gave him time to think and determine what exactly had happened and what was still left to clean up, he was almost sure that there was still blood laying in the bathroom and that his clothes were still dirty. He examined himself in the mirror to see that his wound was cleaned up and even had three stitches in it, there was no blood to be found either and his clothes had been swapped to clean ones. It made him feel quite strange as he realized McCree must have done this, which also meant McCree must have undressed him and cleaned the blood off. He decided it was time to go out of his room and check on the new data, besides, he was starving so breakfast was priority one. He hoped with all his heart the cowboy had already eaten and was reading mission reports or on a mission himself, anything to avoid a conversation with him. He stepped out of his room and silently made his way towards the bathroom, no cowboy to be seen and his door was closed as Hanzo walked past it. When he came by the bathroom he took a good look around, in his memory there had been a pretty big amount of blood dripping down his hands and the sink onto the floor but now there was nothing left of it, it had all been cleaned up and there was absolutely no evidence that anything had happened at all. He stayed for a couple seconds before continuing his way over to the dining area where there was a big table to eat and a kitchen to get food, he hoped everyone would still be in bed or already gone but of course he wouldn't be surprised if someone was sitting at the table.

There were only two others in the dining area, doctor Ziegler and Tracer, as she insisted Hanzo would call her that. They were silently talking while enjoying some breakfast and didn't even look up when Hanzo entered, which again he didn't mind. He just went over to the kitchen and got a simple breakfast together, he made his way back to the long table and sat as far away from the two as possible, at this point nobody still particularly liked him so he thought it would only be appropriate to stay away. It was doctor Ziegler that noticed first, she looked up to him and got a slightly confused look on her face. "May I ask what happened?' She asked as agent Tracer fell silent and now too looked at Hanzo. "It was nothing." Hanzo replied shortly as he kept his eyes on his food rather than starting an actual conversation. "Oh love, did you bump your head? no need to feel ashamed about it, we've all had it one time." Agent Tracer smiled at him and gave a laugh. He merely shook his head and began to eat, he could feel the burning eyes of the doctor on him as he ate, of course she wasn't satisfied with his answer but over the three months Hanzo had gotten quite good at ignoring staring people. Especially the doctor.

Most of the week went by like this, people asked questions and Hanzo would answer with nods or by shaking his head, using as little words as possible. He knew that some people had gotten suspicious of his quietness but to his relieve didn't pay much attention to it, the only two who seemed to desperately want to speak to him were the cowboy and his brother. Genji and him hadn't spoken much in the three months, only a couple times when Genji had swept by Hanzo's room and had a good topic to talk about, all the other words they exchanged were when they were on a mission together which also didn't happen a lot. McCree of course had an obvious reason he wanted to talk to Hanzo, he had tried to come by Hanzo's room at least once every day, only to have the door closed and locked right in front of his nose, not given the chance to say even a word. Outside of his room Hanzo had become a professional in avoiding Genji but especially McCree, he had gotten his schedule from the week and had precisely planned his own to fit with that he would be gone when McCree would just return. The only thing he couldn't get around was this mission, he was placed in a team with both his brother and the cowboy, it was an easy mission but it acquired more than a few agents to do it successfully, it was also important and with big consequences if it failed, so it was taken very serious. The team consisted of agent Tracer, doctor Ziegler or Mercy, Soldier 76, Genji, agent McCree and Hanzo. McCree and Soldier 76 were at the back of the building, keeping the back door open and making sure nobody escaped. Hanzo was left in the role of lookout at the front of the building and clearing any guards that came too close to the exit. Tracer and Genji were to actually sneak to the core to retrieve some valuable data stored inside, Mercy was to stay on the ship, communicating through the com and making sure everyone was in perfect condition. There to give medical help too if needed.

The mission went without any problems, the guards reacted the way they should and how Hanzo had predicted and after a short eighteen minutes they had collected the data and send it over to Winston. After Hanzo had struck the last omnic guard down he went to walk back, as it was night the halls were dark with only a little moonlight lightening the way. He retrieved some of his arrows and decided to walk the shorter route towards the back of the building where they would meet, his arrows were slightly damaged but the two hour flight they would have was a good opportunity to do some repairs.

Hanzo arrived at the open space just behind the building where the rest of the team was already waiting for him, he didn't even need to look to know his brother and agent McCree were keeping their eyes on him. He kept his eyes focused on the soldier and gave a quick status update, "All guards were successfully eliminated and no escaped." He said shortly which after the soldier nodded and looked around, giving everyone a look before finally speaking. "Let's get back to base." He took the lead and Hanzo followed, to his surprise no one tried to talk to him yet but as soon as they were at the ship he could feel the pressure building up. He already seen the cowboy slowing down to walk besides him when they arrived at the ship and went aboard, he was quick to turn to the cowboy and like before cut him off to escape what he knew would be conversation about 'getting help'. The cowboy had only just raised his hand to stop Hanzo from walking further and for a talk when Hanzo waved his hand away from his shoulder. "I need to do some repairs, please excuse me, we'll have this conversation at a later point in time." He said with his usual icy look as he walked further into the ship and took the stairs to a lower deck where there were small sleeping quarters, they were perfect to work on his arrows and bow in private, only down side was that he couldn't lock the door.

He sat down the chair by the small desk and started to take off his gear, laying his bow down and first examining if the tension was right and if the bow hadn't bended in a wrong way. He expected his brother to drop by to get an explanation for his quietness but it stayed quiet, for almost an hour straight it was pleasantly calm downstairs. He knew it wouldn't stay like that and he was right, he heard someone walking down the stairs, heavier footsteps than his brothers and when they came closer he knew for sure it were the cowboys due to the soft jingling of the spurs on his boots that made Hanzo stand up and get ready to send the cowboy away, with force if he needed to. The door slid open and the cowboy seemed to heave learned from how many times Hanzo had slid the door close again, even when the cowboys foot was still between it. He immediately walked in and slid the door close behind him, "Now listen to me." he quickly began to try and be quicker than Hanzo. "I said we would have this conversation later." Hanzo hissed, narrowing his eyes at him. "You and I both know that's bullshit, yer just goin' to lock me out again." He seemed somewhat pissed off when he spoke. "We're goin' to have this conversation here and now, I don't care anymore if you like it or nah."

Hanzo wanted to object but shut his mouth again when agent McCree narrowed his eyes at him, he seemed almost intimidating, something Hanzo had never seen from him before. "Very well... you get your conversation." Hanzo said with a bitter taste in his mouth, he didn't like this at all. He had obeyed the cowboy when he first joint Overwatch but this was different, the cowboy had put pressure on him to make him give in and it was an unpleasant surprise to Hanzo at how fast he had given up on protesting.

"You have a serious problem, don't go bullshittin' me with that you don't or that yer fine because you're not. I've known since a couple weeks before yer incident but it's getting worse and we both know it, somethin' here is making it worse and I think I know what." McCree said as he folded his arms and focused on Hanzo's bow rather than on Hanzo himself.

"You're claiming outrageous things agent McCree." Hanzo let out an irritated sigh as he turned back to his weaponry on the desk and started to collect all his arrows again.

"You think yer the only one who's dealt with panic attacks? Really, I know when I see one and yours wasn't a small one either, you couldn't even stand. If you go on like this you will ruin yourself." Hanzo heard something he had only heard once before in the cowboys voice, the night of the incident, the cowboy sounded concerned.

"I'm perfectly fine now, agent McCree, I am not  _ruining myself_." Hanzo muttered, he set his arrows with a little too much force down again causing the cowboy to tense up a little from the sound. "Maybe you can tell that my brother too when he makes his way down here." He muttered further as he let his hands rest on the small desk and kept his eyes on his bow that was still laying there.

"Should I also immediately tell him his brother is having panic attacks because of him or should I leave that part out?" On that Hanzo's head snapped up and turned to look at the cowboy, he was furious at him for making such comment and it was clearly seen by his expression that he had. He was within a second only a meter away from the cowboy and gave him a death glare.

"This has  _nothing_  to do with me and my brothers past, now... Get. Out." He snarled at him as his eyes narrowed and he clenched his fists.

He was happy to see McCree straighten up as reaction, getting a bit sharper, like he was afraid of if Hanzo was actually going to try and harm him for his words. Still though, the cowboy didn't make a move to leave, instead he opened his mouth again and even stepped a little forward towards Hanzo.

"You never chose to do that to him, I know you didn't." The cowboy said, keeping his eyes locked on Hanzo, which was a little startled at his reaction.

"Chose...?" Hanzo asked a bit confused at first, he quickly shook it off and gave an irritated sigh. "I think I asked you to leave, agent McCree."

"Ya know... You were just a kid. You shouldn't blame yerself for what happened...."

" _You didn't choose to fight him._ "

It was dead quiet after that, even the sound of engines of the ship seemed to have gone quiet. They stared at each other for what seemed like ages, both tensed up and ready for action. The archer couldn't speak, his throat was tied shut by an invisible thread that seemed to only tighten when he tried. How dare this foolish and ignorant cowman even speak of what happened, rage boiled up inside and when the flame reached his throat the thread finally snapped.

"You DARE to speak of what happened." He snapped as his hands grabbed for McCree's collar of his blouse. McCree seemed prepared as Hanzo's swift hands found his collar but were locked in place by powerful hands that wrapped around his wrists.

"I made my choice! I did what I thought was best!" Hanzo's voice got louder as his hands formed fists and tried to pull on the cowboy. He noticed that his hands had started trembling but he didn't know it was from anger or the memories that flashed before his eyes. His vision began to blur as the room seemed to get swallowed by shadows.

"Calm down!"

He could hear the cowboys voice with his concern again, cursing under his breath as he desperately tried to loosen Hanzo's hands.

"Hanzo."

He had frozen in his place at hearing his name. 'Hanzo'. He hadn't heard that in months.... His given name that, now he was in Overwatch, was only what his brother called him, for everyone else he was just agent Shimada. He could feel his grip loosening, not even on his own command. The grip on his wrist disappeared and the hands had slid up to meet his, why couldn't he do anything...? Everything was out of his control, he could feel the cowboy getting closer to him and whisper things. He couldn't hear it though. His head was filled with static, a mix of cries that had haunted him since the day he took his brother's life, willingly. Tears slowly rolled over his cheeks as he stared into the pitch black, when was the last time he had cried? He couldn't even remember it. Suddenly a feeling came back to him, it was so familiar, almost welcoming. Arms wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him close against what he assumed to be the cowboys chest, he wanted to push him away, shout, slap, kick and run but he stayed still. He had always thought he hated this, he hated this man and he hated to have him worry about him, but something kept him from shoving the larger man away. This feeling, he didn't hate it, it was something that was so warm, save. He didn't need to look over his shoulder anymore nor did he think of always needing a weapon, he didn't plan an escape and even his doubts and hesitation seemed to have left.

He hadn't hated this feeling, he had missed it.

He had missed the warm arms wrapping around him and pulling him close, the feeling of not being alone and not having to worry. The static that had forcefully taken his focus and blocked everything out was fading and the whispers of the cowboy came closer.

_"Just take deep breaths."_

Hanzo's vision returned, his grip on reality got back to him and he noticed his hands were tightly gripping onto McCree's blouse again. His head was resting against the man's collarbone and as he looked down he saw his feet standing in between a pair of cowboy boots. He could feel his face warm up as he felt the man's beard brush against the top of his head.

"You okay, Shimada?" He heard the cowboy whisper as Hanzo closed his eyes for a moment.

"Hanzo.." Hanzo whispered back on which McCree seemed to get startled. "Call me Hanzo." He explained as he lifted his head off of the man and looked up at him.

"Well then you call me Jesse." McCree said with a short and soft laugh, Hanzo just nodded a little, it felt a bit strange to start thinking of McCree as Jesse but at the same time he was comfortable with it.

Jesse got his head off of Hanzo's and seemed to hesitate a little as he stared down at him, "But are ya sure? You kinda freaked out last-" He was cut off as Hanzo stood a little on his toes. Their lips brushed lightly against each other and both were not capable of talking, Hanzo could see the man's face turn red and his eyes widened while Hanzo's did the opposite and fell half closed. He didn't do anything else, he didn't even know if Jesse was okay with all of this, he actually expected the man to pull away and leave... but it stayed silent and both made no move to leave.

It was only when Jesse pressed his lips more against Hanzo's that his eyes widened a bit and the tables had turned, the cowboys eyes had almost fully closed as he tilted his head and pressed more into the kiss. After a couple seconds Hanzo's eyes fell closed too, his grip on Jesse's blouse loosened and he felt Jesse's hands go from his shoulders down to his waist. Jesse's hands were gently at first, slowly moving Hanzo closer, he almost hadn't noticed if it wasn't for that he suddenly felt Jesse grinding his hips against Hanzo's. He blushed as Jesse's flesh hand slipped under Hanzo's clothes and slowly slid it off of Hanzo's shoulder, this was going fast for Hanzo, I mean, he had only just kissed this man. He stiffened up when Jesse got both his hands on Hanzo's lower back again and he felt the cowboys fingers slip under his pants a little. He opened his eyes again and shook up a little, Jesse seemed to notice as the hands on Hanzo's back immediately traveled up again and his eyes slightly opened to look back at Hanzo while he broke the kiss but pulled only about an inch away.

"We won't go there if you don't want to, okay?" He asked him, Hanzo could only nod. He was glad Jesse noticed and that he didn't need to tell it himself. "Let me know when you want to stop." The cowboy whispered softly as he pulled Hanzo closer so that his head was again against his collarbone. "You're so tensed up Han..." A warm breath went over his neck and down his back, making goosebumps go up his neck.

" _Try to relax._ "


End file.
